Student Essays Feedback

Student A

Strengths:
Seems like the focus of the reasoning for the ability has to do with contributing to society
Reasoning creates a compelling argument
Ability would prevent problems (good reasoning for choosing this ability)
Potential to expand on material
Light-hearted tone

Problematic (in order of importance):
Needs to focus in on chosen ability and make the most of the space/time given
Lacks focus and doesn't say enough about what this ability would be able to achieve
First two paragraphs lack relevance and could be omitted
Grammar
Spelling

In working with this student, I'd start with the strength of the reasoning given and suggest this comes up sooner in the writer's piece. I'd try to brainstorm with them about why else they chose this ability and how to make the essay more succinct and focused.

Dear student,
I enjoyed reading your essay and thought your argument showed a lot of creativity. The reasoning for the ability you chose creates a strong argument, and I think you can take this further to create a more focused and succinct essay. Let's work together to edit out any unnecessary points and fill that space with strong points to support your argument and enhance the flow of the essay. Great work!

Student B

Strengths:
Introduces essay with a tone that is relatable
Issue that the student tries to confront is a universal one
Writing shows progression of writer's thought
Presents balanced argument by showing strengths as well as weaknesses of quality/ability
Writing shows sincerity, openness, honesty

Problematic (in order of importance):
Main idea is unclear
Weak organization of ideas
Intro could be shorter
Conclusion lacks strength
Grammar/Spelling

In working with this student, I would start with a conversation about the prompt and the sentiments behind what the writer has so far. If the writer wanted to continue with the idea chosen, we would need to work on making the main point clearer, understandable and supported by reasoning. I would compliment the student on presenting both positives and negatives about the ability they chose and try to steer that type of writing towards a more sophisticated, well-organized presentation of ideas.

Dear student,
Your essay touches on a universal issue that many can relate to, and I enjoyed reading your ideas and reasoning. The way you present both positives and negatives about your ability creates a great starting point, and we can work together to flesh out your main idea. The ability you chose was unclear at times, and I am looking forward to working together to edit and organize this into a more focused essay while keeping the genuine and relatable tone of your writing. Great first draft!

Student C

Strengths:
Answers prompt directly and right away
Touches on prevalent and controversial issues
Brings up a variety of relevant, good ideas
Brings in own personal experience
Understandable arguments throughout

Problematic (in order of importance):
Needs to focus ideas into succinct, organized paragraphs
Sentence structure inhibits clarity
Goes from statements about the public to the personal to the public again
Conclusion needs polishing
Word choice

I would start working with this student by encouraging their strong ideas and well thought-out perspective. We could work on paring their writing down to the ideas they feel strongly about and supporting them succinctly. After a few read-throughs and edits, this could easily become a great essay.

Dear student,
I truly enjoyed reading your essay. Your writing shows your awareness of some of the most debated issues surrounding this topic, and you presented a variety of reasons to support your viewpoint. That being said, if we do some editing and focus on your strongest points, the organization of your essay will better highlight your thesis. Looking forward to working together to make this good start into a great paper.

Student D

Strengths:
Clear main point at the end
Tries to organize body paragraphs into two ideas that are mentioned in the introductory paragraph
Attempts to organize with structure of intro, support and conclusion paragraphs
Smoking is a strong key point that many use to support this particular argument
Tries to transition and create flow for the paper

Problematic (in order of importance):
Argument is weak overall and could benefit from one more main point/supporting paragraph
Essay is short and doesn't show good use of the time given
Needs a stronger introduction
Sentences are unclear and sometimes are fragments
Spelling

In working with this student, I would begin by commending them on trying to organize the paper with an introduction, supporting paragraphs and conclusion. I would work with them on coming up with maybe one more supporting paragraph for their argument and strengthen their introduction and conclusion.

Dear student,
I enjoyed reading your essay and found your reasoning well-organized. You brought up two key issues that many others also mention when discussing the influence of movies and television on people. That being said, the essay is a bit short, and I think your argument could be strengthened by both including one more key point and polishing the arguments you laid out. Let's work to read through and edit your piece to make each component even better and tie it all together cohesively. Excellent first draft.